Grieving During the Holidays: How to Cope After Losing a Loved One

There is no right way to grieve during the holiday season, but planning ahead, leaning on others, honoring your loved one, and allowing yourself to feel the pain can help. This article offers practical tips to help you get through.

Key Takeaways

• The holidays can be difficult after a loss due to sensory triggers and pressure to be joyful.
• You can make the holidays easier to bear by planning ahead, honoring your loved one, starting new traditions, acknowledging your feelings, and giving yourself space without isolating.
• If your symptoms of grief are persisting, interfering with daily functioning, or leading to substance abuse, professional help may be necessary.

Table of Contents

• Why the Holidays Are So Hard After a Loss
• Planning Ahead for the Hardest Days
• Honor Your Loved One
• Start New Traditions
• Acknowledge Your Feelings
• Give Yourself Space Without Isolating
• What to Say When People Ask How You’re Doing
• Helping Children During the Holidays
• Take Care of Your Body
• Volunteer or Help Others
• When Grief Needs More Support
• Opal Helps Families Through a Difficult Time
• FAQs

Introduction

The holidays are often referred to as the most wonderful time of the year, but for people who have just experienced the loss of a loved one, it can also be the most emotionally challenging. As you decorate the tree, light the menorah, or bake cookies, you might be taken back to past holidays when your loved one was alive and suddenly feel intense sadness.

If this is your first holiday season after a loss, these tips can help you get through it. That’s especially true in Los Angeles and Orange County communities, where family gatherings are at the heart of the holidays.

Why the Holidays Are So Hard After a Loss

Loss can be especially difficult during the holidays. Sensory triggers, like food, music, and decorations, can make you miss your loved one more intensely. Noticing an empty chair at the dinner table can be heartbreaking, and the pressure to be joyful can intensify the pain.

Planning Ahead for the Hardest Days

There’s no one-size-fits-all solution for dealing with holiday grief, but planning ahead can make it easier. Here are some ideas:

• Decide which events to attend and which to skip: This helps you avoid feeling overwhelmed and lets you skip events that might make you sad or uncomfortable.
• Have an exit plan: When you go to events, drive yourself or set an end time so you can leave easily if you get emotional.
• Expect anticipation to sometimes be harder than the day itself: Dread is common, but getting through the day may not be as difficult as you think.

Opal Tip

Cremation gives you flexibility on timing, so you can wait to hold a memorial until the holidays. Many families don’t realize there’s no rush to hold a service after cremation. If relatives are scattered across the country, you can plan a celebration of life or a small remembrance during the holidays, when everyone is already together. That can turn a painful gathering into one with a shared purpose.

Honor Your Loved One

Overcoming grief does not mean forgetting about your loved one. In fact, honoring them can make the holidays easier to endure. Here are some suggestions:

• Keep meaningful traditions, like baking a favorite dish, or pass the job of placing the angel on the tree to someone new.
• Set a place or light a candle at the table so you can feel their spirit in the holiday celebration
• Share stories or a toast during the gathering to embrace your loved one’s presence
• Make a memorial ornament or stocking and hang it on your tree or mantle
• Give to a cause they cared about in their name
• Keepsakes: memorial jewelry, a Parting Stone, an Eterneva diamond, or a holiday sea scattering can make you feel closer to your loved one

Opal Tip

Ashes can be divided, so everyone can keep a piece of their loved one. Cremated remains can be split among family members in keepsake urns, memorial jewelry, or Parting Stones, which turn ashes into a set of smooth stones that can be shared among loved ones. Giving these at a holiday gathering can be a meaningful way to honor someone together. Since custom keepsakes take time to make, order well ahead of any date you have in mind.

Start New Traditions

While it’s important to honor your loved one by keeping old traditions going, it’s just as important to start new ones. For example, consider changing your holiday menu, the celebration location, or how you celebrate.

Try not to feel guilty about these changes. Embracing something new isn’t a betrayal of your loved one, but a way to move on while keeping their spirit alive.

And change doesn’t mean throwing out old traditions. Balancing old and new helps you honor what you’ve built with your loved one while giving it a new spin.

Acknowledge Your Feelings

Grief isn’t linear, and processing grief takes time. You might be extremely sad one minute and on a high the next. Let yourself feel these emotions, and don’t apologize for them.

Allow joy without guilt, especially during the holiday season, which is typically a joyous time. These waves of grief can return on other meaningful days throughout the year, too, like Valentine’s Day or Mother’s Day.

Give Yourself Space Without Isolating

The holiday season can be one of the year’s most social times, with plenty of parties and get-togethers. However, if you’re grieving, going to a party and talking to people might feel daunting. How do you put on a happy face when you’re feeling anything but?

Remember that you don’t have to go to every party (unless you want to!). You might also simplify your to-do list to avoid feeling overwhelmed.

“My advice is to really try to be very compassionate with yourself and really intentionally be open to whatever happens, especially (during) the holidays.”

-Kim Penberthy, a professor of research in psychiatric medicine at the University of Virginia, from the article, “Grieving Through the Holidays? You’re Not Alone”

However, some signs may indicate that you are isolating, which can increase depression. Here are some to look out for:

• Turning down every invitation and avoiding people you’d normally want to see
• Ignoring calls and texts, or telling everyone you’re “fine” so they’ll stop checking in
• Losing interest in traditions and activities you used to enjoy
• Changes in daily habits, like sleeping much more or less, skipping meals, or leaning on alcohol or screens to get through the day
• Pulling away from the people who knew your loved one best, or feeling like no one could understand

When you notice these signs, it may be time to reach out to your support system, which could be:

• Family and friends
• Grief support groups
• Therapists and grief counselors

What to Say When People Ask How You’re Doing

During the holiday season, you’ll likely hear many people ask how you’re doing. Short, honest answers work best. Here are some you can use:

• “Some days are better than others. Today’s a harder one.”
• “Honestly, I’m having a tough time, but it helps to be here.”
• “I’m hanging in there. The holidays make me miss them more.”
• “I’m okay right now, but I may need to step out for a bit.”
• “It’s been hard. Thanks for asking.”

It’s also okay to tell them what you need, whether for support, comfort, or both. For example, you might say, “It would really help if you’d share a memory of them,” or “I don’t need advice, just some company.”

Helping Children During the Holidays

Grief can be especially difficult to deal with when young children are involved. You have to explain the loss and, in some cases, the concept of death. But age-appropriate honesty can help.

Here are some strategies to try:

• Children’s books about grief: These explain loss in a way that’s easy for children to grasp, and they take some of the weight off your shoulders
• Involve kids in memorial traditions: Let them help honor loved ones so they feel connected to the person they lost.
• Keep routines steady: A sense of routine offers comfort during a difficult time

Take Care of Your Body

When you’re grieving, it’s easy to neglect self-care, but looking after your body can help your mood. Research shows that even half the recommended amount of physical activity is linked to an 18% lower risk of depression. Here are some things to include in your routine:

• Sleep, Nutrition, and Movement: Consume a healthy diet, follow a regular sleep routine, and add movement to your schedule to boost your mood.
• Be Mindful of Alcohol at Gatherings: Alcohol will be readily available, and it may be tempting to indulge, but drinking can dysregulate mood and interfere with general wellness.
• Find an Outlet: Meditation, movies, and deep breathing are just examples of healthy outlets for managing grief

Volunteer or Help Others

Grief can be a very insular process, where you are only focused on yourself. One way to get out of your head is to volunteer and think about those less fortunate during the holiday season. This can involve volunteering with children, the homeless, or maybe even visiting the elderly in nursing homes.

Often, helping others gives you happiness because you can make someone else smile, even when it hurts to do the same. In a study of more than 5,800 adults over 51, people who started volunteering at least two hours a week after losing a spouse had loneliness levels similar to married people who volunteered the same amount. Volunteering less than that didn’t produce the same benefit.

When Grief Needs More Support

You may need to go beyond daily coping strategies and seek professional help if you notice the following symptoms:

• Grief that isn’t easing over time. Intense longing or preoccupation with your loved one that stays as strong months later, rather than coming in waves that gradually soften. When grief stays this intense for a year or more, it may be prolonged grief disorder, a condition recognized by the American Psychiatric Association that responds well to treatment.
• Trouble functioning day to day. Struggling to work, care for yourself or your family, or keep up with basic routines.
• Feeling numb, empty, or like life has lost its meaning, including a sense that part of you died with them.
• Avoiding anything that reminds you of the loss, or, conversely, being unable to focus on anything else.
• Persistent guilt, anger, or bitterness about the death that you can’t move past.
• Signs of depression, like ongoing hopelessness, losing interest in everything, or major changes in sleep and appetite.
• Relying on alcohol or other substances to cope.

If you experience thoughts of not wanting to live, call or text 988 (Suicide & Crisis Lifeline) right away.

Opal Helps Families Through a Difficult Time

Opal may not reduce grief during the holidays, but we can make dealing with loss easier by providing transparent, compassionate services. Our truly all-inclusive prices mean you’ll never pay hidden fees for things like transport, permits, or shipping. We make all arrangements by phone or online, so you have less to worry about.

Contact us to learn more about our direct cremation services in Los Angeles and Orange County.

FAQs

Is it normal to feel worse during the holidays after a loss?

Yes. Holidays are full of traditions, memories, and family gatherings that highlight who’s missing, so grief often feels sharper this time of year. Many people find the days leading up to a holiday harder than the day itself.

Should I skip holiday gatherings this year?

It’s okay to skip some events if they feel like too much. Try not to skip everything, though. Choose the gatherings that feel most supportive, and give yourself permission to leave early.

How do I get through the first holiday after losing someone?

Plan ahead, keep expectations low, and decide in advance which traditions to keep, change, or set aside. Lean on people you trust and build in time to rest.

Is it wrong to enjoy the holidays while I’m grieving?

No. Feeling moments of joy doesn’t mean you’ve forgotten your loved one or that you miss them any less. Grief and happiness can exist side by side.

How can I honor my loved one during the holidays?

You can honor your loved one during the holidays by lighting a candle, hanging a memorial ornament, cooking their favorite dish, sharing stories at the table, or donating to a cause they cared about. Some families choose a lasting keepsake, like a memorial diamond or parting stones made from their loved one’s ashes.

Sources

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